February 6th, 2014 was the day that I finally decided I'd had enough and that I deserved more from my life, especially my relationship, and so I packed my bags and walked away from my boyfriend, our home together and the daily rollercoaster of emotional turbulence that he would subject me to.
It was both the most difficult and most liberating decision I have ever made in my life so far. Since this monumental turning point in my life much has changed. My confidence, determination and happiness have soared; I have purged many of the negative influences from my life and those that remain are only addressed when it is an absolute necessity; I have finally begun to rebuild that trust with myself that I ever-so-stupidly allowed a man to extinguish.
It is a year on and I still struggle every day to overcome many of the anxieties, judgements and criticisms that were instilled within me but, I am now able to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at me. Here are three steps that helped me to achieve this:
1. Forgive - I know it's a bit of a cliché but the phrase "forgive and never forget" is rather apt in this situation. It took me months and months to dissipate the overwhelming anger that I was feeling (particularly because I had to still see the ex every single day) but I realised that the only person being affected by my anger was me. I never got angry in front of him, in fact quite the opposite, but internally I was a constant ball of rage. The moment I recognised this fact it became very easy to just... let it go *starts singing Frozen*. I made the promise to myself to never again waste my valuable time and energy on anything or anyone that does not deserve it, instead, I vowed to invest that energy in caring about myself.
2. Heal - Shortly after leaving this relationship I became a mess both emotionally and physically. I would drink far too much, stay out way too late, put myself on crazy diets, force myself to do unnecessary amounts of work for my final year project at university, and all the while be faking an air of cool on the surface whilst constantly feeling like I was drowning and no one could hear me screaming. Right after my 22nd birthday I was diagnosed with PCOS which was the huge slap in the face that I needed to slow down. My hormones were going crazy, I was burnt out and I was gaining weight at an alarming rate. This crazy rock'n'roll lifestyle had to change because it was literally killing me. Now, I recognise that what other people want from, or expect of, me really doesn't matter because my health has to be my priority and if they can't appreciate that then I can't appreciate them. This life now operates as a two-way street people.
3. Move on - I went through shit. We have all, at some stage or another, gone through shit. So leave it in the past where it belongs and NEVER let it affect your future - learn from it but don't live by it. I can now look back at those times with respect, knowledge and even gratitude that I went through those things, came out the other side and have been smart enough to grow from them. Now I recognise that if I want something I am perfectly justified in asking for it and then striving to make it happen.
You are the writer of your own destiny so stop wasting your potency on idiots that don't matter. The only ones left with any regrets will be them, not you.
No comments
Post a Comment